Lose Yourself

When I decided to seriously take on a blog, I wanted to commit to at least one post a week, for a year, and then see where it takes me. I am hitting the half-way point on that goal and I have made my commitment every week, except one (where I was away and I was actually so busy that I totally forgot). Even though some weeks I struggle with what to say or I am disheartened when I don't feel that a post is complete, I feel good knowing that I am getting it done. And I am getting a lot out of it.

I have always wanted to have proper discipline as a writer. Not doing it full time, I find it challenging to fit it in every day, but this project has kept me accountable to at least putting out cohesive thoughts on a regular basis. It has also kickstarted my creative flow of consciousness that I feared I had left dormant for too long. I find myself once again having those inspiring writers spurts where an article or an idea will just spill forth out of me, sometimes in the middle of the night. My inner narrator has come back alive as well. I used to think I was some kind of weirdo when I was a kid, always describing my surroundings as if I were writing a never-ending story. Now I embrace it! It is like having writing practice going on in my mind all the time. Sharing my words has also challenged my humility. I get excited when I get a lot of great feedback on my pieces, but I don't let it lure me into thinking I don't still have a loooong way to go before I can truly feel like an excellent writer. Paying your dues in the writing world means committing to your craft, putting words on paper consistently, and trying your hand at new topics and styles (at least as far as I can tell!). It also means that sometimes you have to write about topics that you don't have a passion for because that is what brings in a paycheque. That is a big reason I love having this blog. No one can tell me what to write. It's just me.

One thing I realized recently was a collateral effect I hadn't expected.  I can slowly feel my skin thickening up. I would be disappointed if I found out I was considered weak; I'd like to think that I don't lie down and let life walk over me. I don't often get hit hard by things that people say to me, although that is probably because the people I keep in my life are kind and supportive. It was mostly one person at an earlier time in my life that I let get to me, to beat me down. But what is amazing is that my experiment seems to be working: if you make everything for everybody, then nobody can use it against you. That was sort of the driving idea behind it, but it came from somewhere deeper. From a place of being hurt, being so emotionally downtrodden that I learned to be scared of being vulnerable because I didn't want to hurt anymore. It also came from a place of love. From a desire to teach myself that even though I have flaws, I am still loveable, by others and more importantly, by myself.  If you have someone in your life who thinks that love can/should be used as a tool or a bargaining chip instead of given freely and generously, then maybe they're not worthy of giving your love to unless they learn to give it back. I chose to take my own path out of that chaos of hurt and move forward. Now, every time I share another little piece of myself, I feel a weight being lifted. Generations before ours seemed to be taught that being communicative about your emotions was dangerous or weak or wrong or whatever they called it. Being vulnerable was something to be shamed, not celebrated. I love seeing the attitude around this changing. 

If you have ever had someone make you feel awful about yourself, for a specific incident or for something innate, don't let them take that part of you away. When you let their words cut you down, you give them the power. Talk about it. Own it. Make it for everyone. You can't be exposed for something that everyone already knows, especially if you got to be the one to say it in your own words.

Many of the other 90s kids out there will remember the final rap battle scene at the end of Eminem's feature film 8 Mile. His character takes the stage after a series of incidents where has has been knocked down or lost his confidence. This is his time to lose himself in the music, the moment, to own it and never let it go. He spits rhymes over a beat that detail all the things about his life that are embarrassing, all the things that his opponent could use against him. He finishes with the line "Here, tell these people something they don't know about me." He exposes all the things that plague him, the things we would usually be afraid to talk about. His opponent has nothing to say, because Eminem's character took back his power. That is the kind of moment I had sometime earlier this year. I just wasn't as afraid anymore.

Step up and grab the mic and be damned who hears you. Most of us are so wrapped up in our own heads, that we are more likely to admire your gumption than to judge you for sharing something that might be construed as a flaw. At least, so far that is what I have learned. Every time I open up and share a little bit more, I am met with understanding, empathy, and real openness from so many people in my life. The weeks I talk about something that people are usually less inclined to divulge about themselves, are the articles that seem to hit home the most. The ones that I have people reach out to me about to thank me for my words because they felt like they could have been their own. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me, it means so much.

In my own little way, I am not just trying to make my own voice heard, but yours too. Let's make it so loud that they can't help but hear us. Join the chorus with us now and Lose Yourself.